The Juice Box

Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles of water

by Leif Wauters

Pouring through the London club line-up over Easter weekend with my travel buddies Jim and Steve, we decided to divide and conquer on Saturday night. Where the boys checked out other haunts, I tackled MegaWoof to celebrate Vauxhall’s monthly bear haven for their birthday bash.

This epic fur-fest has been drawing in the hottest beef for seven sweaty years and has staked claim to some of South London’s best clubs, but it feels like their move to the normally straight Hidden half a year ago has allowed this party to take a step down.

Tucked off of Albert Embankment, Hidden is the only club I’ve been to where you’re required to pass through a metal detector. Along with making sure I wasn’t packing heat, it’s the only space that forces people to hand over their gum. What’s that, you say? Yep, no gum (although I grabbed it out of the box on the way out). Once in, you walk past the covered smoking area where there’s also an outdoor food stand to enter the club.

The space is situated in three arches under the raised trains that run through the neighborhood. It’s a very Escheresque space. Each arch has an upper area, one of which holds early coat check run by eastern European beauties. I got there early enough so there was no line to get in or check my coat, but I know that soon after the queue was as meaty as the clientele.

For the most part, the music fit the mold of the typical London sound. Hearty, recognizable and not requiring much thought. At least until Diddy took the decks later that night in the Black Room (one of the smaller arches) where seldom-heard progressive tracks were the rule. I’ve always loved me some Diddy, and he surely didn’t disappoint. Where most other DJs in London seem to follow the same drummer, his sound is unique and exciting. Also after 4 AM, hard-working local DJ Tim McCloone was dumping out some meaty sounds in the opposing Red Room. This was the main arch all night where the tunes were churning and elbows were flying.

The biggest challenge about MegaWoof is the crowd. Yeah, they’re very sexy – a monthly muscle bear gathering for sure – but I found very few friendly people who had any sense of personal space. In the past this party has been a bit more jovial, but the Easter holiday “bridge and tunnel” addition were far more clicky and self-absorbed. Thankfully I found a few friends who I stuck to for most of the night, but I felt little draw to break away from them because I was beaten by rude meatheads every time I wanted to piss or grab a smoke.

One ore thing to note, if you’re not sure on your feet you might want to wear some serious traction to Hidden. After the sweat started flying it was one of the slickest floors I’ve ever danced on. I even asked my buddies if they’d spilled lube. It was one big, husky slip and slide.

So if you’re ever in London the first Saturday of the month and want to funk with some hunks, make tracks to MegaWoof. Just make sure to hide your gum and bring your own playful crowd, ’cause you might be challenged to find either inside Hidden.

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Tags: Diddy, Hidden, Megawoof, Tim McCloone